


secret tears at night

by yasi



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasi/pseuds/yasi
Summary: Callum hasn't cried himself to sleep since the army. He didn't think with having Ben in his life and being a policeman he would ever do it again.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 15
Kudos: 55





	secret tears at night

Callum used to cry himself to sleep a lot of nights when he was a kid. There were many reasons: he was missing his mum, his dad was abusive and a drunk, he didn’t have any friends. It was all of that and it was none of it. 

When it came down to it, you could sum it up with Callum being lonely. He didn’t have anyone who loved him. Anyone he belonged to. 

Back then he didn’t understand the severity of those feelings, what it was doing to him. He just knew that it hurt, that his chest felt tight and that breathing got harder whenever he felt like that. 

As he grew older, he learnt to live with that feeling. He pasted on a smile and pretended to be happy. Nobody cared for him anyway, so he wasn’t hurting anyone by pretending. It made life bearable. And it gave him the courage to take his life into his own hands and make something out of it. 

He wasn’t gonna stay with his dad, he was gonna go out and live his life and try to be happy. That’s why he’d signed up for the army. He’d thought that way he’d never be alone. He’d always be part of something big and important, have comrades, _friends_. It didn’t matter that it was dangerous and that after training they’d be deployed to countries at war. He wanted a place to belong. And the army was it for him. Or so he’d hoped. 

What Callum didn’t count on was that no matter how friendly everyone was, he was having a hard time making friends. He didn’t know what it was, why he was unable to connect. Until the day he met Chris. It was like everything clicked into place and Callum finally had a proper friend. 

And if his heart beat a little faster whenever he spent time with Chris or butterflies flooded his stomach whenever their hands touched accidentally, it wasn’t a problem. He guessed that was how you felt about friends. Why you wanted to spend so much time with them. Callum had been starving for affection all his life, so he wasn’t gonna question those feelings. He knew he was naive in many ways but he wasn’t gonna question the status quo. 

Even if there was a niggling thought at the back of his mind that his feelings might be more than friendship. What did he know about love? 

Also, they were in the army, the epitome of _manliness_. He couldn’t have any feelings other than friendship for a fellow soldier. His comrades would shun him. If he was lucky. Callum had heard whispered stories about other units. How they’d played jokes on gay soldiers when the secret came out. How it was supposed to be harmless but had ended up terribly. 

He didn’t want that to happen to him. And he didn’t wanna scare off Chris, didn’t wanna lose that friendship. So Callum didn’t say anything, pined away. Cried himself to sleep again, silently. And got up in the morning like nothing ever happened. 

When he got sent home injured, the absence of Chris hurt like hell. He felt like a piece of him was missing. Like phantom pain. Chris had never been a part of him, but it hurt all the same. 

With Whitney it was the opposite. He saw her and thought she’s the most beauftiful woman on earth. He couldn’t stop looking at her, wanted to spend all his time with her. He thought it was love, so he put himself out there. And it worked. Kind of. She agreed to be his girlfriend, which made him happy. But he had no idea what to do with a girlfriend. It confused him but he was content to let her lead. 

Callum felt like his life was coming together. Everything seemed good. But why, if he had everything he ever dreamed of, did he feel so lonely? Why did he feel invisibale and lost? 

It didn’t help that Ben Mitchell came back. Loud and brash, announcing his return. Callum didn’t remember much of him. Actually, he didn’t remember anything at all, apart from what people had said when he’d upped and left. 

He seemed harmless enough, considering what people used to say about him. But Callum liked forming his own impressions, didn’t wanna dislike and avoid Ben just because of what he’d heard. So he’d looked. 

And there was plenty to look at. Ben lived in the moment, not shy about who he was. And he was a terrible flirt. No matter straight or gay, he had something to say about every man. It terrified Callum. But at the same time it excited him. He wondered if Ben had thought about him as well. 

Late at night, after Whitney had fallen asleep snuggled up to him, Callum had stared at the ceiling and wondered if Ben still thought of him as a frog. And then he’d tried to shake off those thoughts. He’d been with Whitney. It didn’t matter what Ben thought of him. It shouldn’t. And yet... 

Ben was always there, always up in his business. Callum couldn’t escape him. To be honest, he didn’t wanna escape him. It didn’t matter that Ben scared the shit out of him. It didn’t matter that Callum’s secret, the one he’d hidden away even from himself, would come out. No, Callum liked the excitement Ben brought into his life. 

And when he finally accepted the unimaginable, finally had to step up because it was either that or Ben would die, there was no choice at all. Ben gave him what he’d always wanted. A place to belong, someone to love. But most importantly, someone who loved him. Callum didn’t care what other people said or thought of them, he knew Ben was for him and he was for Ben. They were made for each other. 

So how did Callum end up here? How did he manage to jeapordise everything he ever wanted for a _job_? How could he be so stupid to believe in the system? He’d always thought Ben was exaggrating when he talked about corruption in the police force. That it was the Mitchell in him complaining about those things. And contrary to popular belief, Callum isn’t naive. He knows that corruption exists, even in the police force. He just didn’t think he would be confronted with it in a small London station. That he’d get caught up in it himself. 

But Callum knows, for Ben... he would do anything if it meant keeping him safe. Even if it meant lying to Ben. 

When Callum cries himself to sleep now, it’s because he’s found everything he’s ever dreamt of with Ben and he’s afraid of losing it again. 


End file.
